The Beast Is Back (@WayneRooney)

Wayne Rooney is back from suspension tonight when England face tournament holders Ukraine in their last group game of the Euros. Therefore, its only fair that this track, written before the last world cup, gets an airing. I’ve gone large on Wayne to grab a hat trick, which means he’s now odds on to play like he’s never seen a football before, plant his boot in one of the opposition’s faces, and spend most of the match in a daze caused by imagining Andrei Shevchenko’s grandmother in her sauciest lingerie.
• Koaste

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